The Song in My Head

Annual medical tests. We all get them. We can dread them, or take them in stride, but either way, we rarely look forward to them. For me, the occasion meant a day of no food except lemonade, lemon jello, tea, or clear chicken broth in preparation for that always-looked-forward-to exam, the colonoscopy. For the most part, I don't get too carried away dreading things like this. I don't look forward to it, but in the grand scheme of things, there are far worse events. Talk to a person going in for chemo.

Although I try not to focus on the negative, there are times when my subconscious takes on the task for me. In those times, I only discover I am worried because something else in my body is going wrong. I can't sleep. Or I develop a nervous stomach. Or Vertigo sets in. At those times I have to consciously stop and try to identify what has me upset, because I really don't feel it at all. I remember the night before my very first colonoscopy. I felt fine, but I absolutely couldn't fall asleep. I finally got up and worked on a puzzle until it was time to go.

This time, I wasn't really worried, but there was a scratch on the thought pattern in my brain that from time to time let phrases run from the fog of my subconscious, across my awareness. Phrases like... country hospital...perforated bowel...new doctor. Phrases that told me, this time I wasn't as at ease as I wanted to be.

On Sunday I found the hymns we sang in church to hold special meaning for me. Our prayer hymn was "Pass Me Not, O Gentle Savior". It was a gentle hymn and I loved the last line that said, "Savior, while on others thou art calling, Please don't pass me by". I found that line particularly poignant because while we were preparing to pray for others on the prayer list, it reminded me that any troubles I had were important too. Our praise hymn was "I Stand Amazed in the Presence". It was a joyful hymn celebrating God's love for us. The refrain said it all. "How marvelous! How wonderful! And my song shall ever be, How marvelous, how wonderful is my Savior's love for me!"

Music has always been a big part of my life, and whether it is Christian or Secular, it often has great meaning for me. It isn't unusual to have a song rolling around in my head. At times the record gets stuck and I can't get it out of my head for days, but usually the song is one I've heard a lot recently on the radio.This week the song in my head was a surprise.

On the day of my colonoscopy, the alarm woke me at 5 AM. In my world there is no good reason to wake up at 5AM! As I lay in bed trying to come to, I recognized the tune rolling through my mind. I'd only sung it once before, but the words were right there. "Savior, while on others thou art calling, please don't pass me by." I smiled to myself. What a way to wake up! God was already assuring me He was there. Those comforting words that I had only sung once two days before, were playing on the radio in my head.

The procedure went off without a hitch and I awoke from the anesthesia and looked around the room. I was unusually alert. I generally take a long time to wake up. The nurse told me all was well and we chatted. As I got dressed I realized the record had changed. Now the song in my head was "How wonderful! How marvelous! And my song shall ever be, How wonderful, how marvelous is my Savior's love for me." I smiled inwardly and wondered for the millionth time, who am I  that He should care so much? But this isn't the first time God has given me the words I needed to hear.

There was no doubt who my DJ was that day. He'd made the playlist in advance and made sure it was playing on a loop, just to let me know He cared. He's welcome to be my DJ anytime He chooses.

"I stand alone in the presence
of Jesus the Nazarene,
and wonder how he could love me,
 a sinner, condemned, unclean.
How marvelous!How wonderful!
And my song shall ever be:
How marveleous, how wonderful
Is my Savior's love for me!"

(Words; Charles Gabriel, music; Charles H. Gabriel  From the United Methodist Hymnal, no. 371)