Annual medical tests. We all get them. We can dread them, or take them in stride, but either way, we rarely look forward to them. For me, the occasion meant a day of no food except lemonade, lemon jello, tea, or clear chicken broth in preparation for that always-looked-forward-to exam, the colonoscopy. For the most part, I don't get too carried away dreading things like this. I don't look forward to it, but in the grand scheme of things, there are far worse events. Talk to a person going in for chemo.
Although I try not to focus on the negative, there are times when my subconscious takes on the task for me. In those times, I only discover I am worried because something else in my body is going wrong. I can't sleep. Or I develop a nervous stomach. Or Vertigo sets in. At those times I have to consciously stop and try to identify what has me upset, because I really don't feel it at all. I remember the night before my very first colonoscopy. I felt fine, but I absolutely couldn't fall asleep. I finally got up and worked on a puzzle until it was time to go.
This time, I wasn't really worried, but there was a scratch on the thought pattern in my brain that from time to time let phrases run from the fog of my subconscious, across my awareness. Phrases like... country hospital...perforated bowel...new doctor. Phrases that told me, this time I wasn't as at ease as I wanted to be.
On Sunday I found the hymns we sang in church to hold special meaning for me. Our prayer hymn was "Pass Me Not, O Gentle Savior". It was a gentle hymn and I loved the last line that said, "Savior, while on others thou art calling, Please don't pass me by". I found that line particularly poignant because while we were preparing to pray for others on the prayer list, it reminded me that any troubles I had were important too. Our praise hymn was "I Stand Amazed in the Presence". It was a joyful hymn celebrating God's love for us. The refrain said it all. "How marvelous! How wonderful! And my song shall ever be, How marvelous, how wonderful is my Savior's love for me!"
Music has always been a big part of my life, and whether it is Christian or Secular, it often has great meaning for me. It isn't unusual to have a song rolling around in my head. At times the record gets stuck and I can't get it out of my head for days, but usually the song is one I've heard a lot recently on the radio.This week the song in my head was a surprise.
On the day of my colonoscopy, the alarm woke me at 5 AM. In my world there is no good reason to wake up at 5AM! As I lay in bed trying to come to, I recognized the tune rolling through my mind. I'd only sung it once before, but the words were right there. "Savior, while on others thou art calling, please don't pass me by." I smiled to myself. What a way to wake up! God was already assuring me He was there. Those comforting words that I had only sung once two days before, were playing on the radio in my head.
The procedure went off without a hitch and I awoke from the anesthesia and looked around the room. I was unusually alert. I generally take a long time to wake up. The nurse told me all was well and we chatted. As I got dressed I realized the record had changed. Now the song in my head was "How wonderful! How marvelous! And my song shall ever be, How wonderful, how marvelous is my Savior's love for me." I smiled inwardly and wondered for the millionth time, who am I that He should care so much? But this isn't the first time God has given me the words I needed to hear.
There was no doubt who my DJ was that day. He'd made the playlist in advance and made sure it was playing on a loop, just to let me know He cared. He's welcome to be my DJ anytime He chooses.
"I stand alone in the presence
of Jesus the Nazarene,
and wonder how he could love me,
a sinner, condemned, unclean.
How marvelous!How wonderful!
And my song shall ever be:
How marveleous, how wonderful
Is my Savior's love for me!"
(Words; Charles Gabriel, music; Charles H. Gabriel From the United Methodist Hymnal, no. 371)
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Your blog post really brought up so many thoughts of my own about this topic, and I suspect you will recognize some of them since you know me.
ReplyDeleteI have just finished "doctor month" as I call it. I have had my annual check up with my GP, as well as the one with my GYN. But - there were added appointments for a mammogram, and a bone and density test. However, in selected years there are appointments with a cardiologist (they want to keep an eye on me because my father died young from a heart attack at age 66), a colonoscopy, a dermatologist appointment, and soon I suspect an appointment for hearing loss (they determined that I'm not ready yet this year). Then there are the aches and pains of my age that need attention -- sciatica, knee issues...
I am terribly scared during this month. It's the fear of the unknown -- the fear of my own mortality and what they might find that could be life threatening. I am reaching "that" age when those things could pop up. Doctors appointments "breed" like rabbits, as one appointment morphs into another one, as doctors watch those of my age more carefully. I also think there is a part of me that goes back to my childhood and the fear I had over the medical issues I had then: my eye surgeries, and broken arm surgeries. It's not up front in my mind, but I think it's still there, despite lots of self talk that those situations are truly of the past.
I realize that it's better to know so you can deal with it, but the fear is so great, there is a part of me which would rather bury my head in the sand. I don't listen to that fear, but it is strong, as my stomach is in knots as I sit in doctors' waiting rooms.
I do not have your faith that I will be given strength to handle whatever happens. I guess I'm a control freak and lack trust that God will give me that strength.
I worry about my future -- despite the intellectual knowledge that in doing so, I'm thwarting my ability to enjoy my present and all the joys that are given to me now, if I pay attention to them.
It was interesting to read your mindset to getting your colonoscopy. Colonoscopies bring on huge fear, and I marvel at your calm, even though I read that you have some anxiety. Music - both secular and sacred - is a comfort to me, too, but even that can't always penetrate those noisy inner nerves.
I guess you know what happened to Claire back in 1998 - - a perforation and she nearly died from the resulting infection. Then I had a heavy bleeding episode when a polyp was removed after my colonoscopy in 2007. I was back in the hospital for 3 days with a surgeon on emergency call -- just in case of perforation.
Finally I'm on a 5 year schedule for getting a colonoscopy (rather than one a year after that incident) so I"m not due until 2017. But - Ray's having one in 2 1/2 weeks, and I'm internally nervous about his, though I try not to pass my nerves onto him.
I do thank God each and every time things go well, but I don't quite know how to trust and lean on God during the process when the outcome is still unsure. Faith is a marvelous and glorious thing -- if only I could fully embrace it.
Wow. You've said alot and I get all of it. You are so honest and aware of your feelings.In many ways that's a much better way to be than my way of not acknowledging, or just brushing them under the rug. I admire your recognition of yourself. I think you know yourself, better than I know myself.
ReplyDeleteAs for not wanting to know, I think the vast majority of us would rather not know because of the fear. The only reason we go get the exams done, is because our head tells us that not knowing would actually be worse in the long run, so we obediently obey. But I would love to not know. And so we pray for a good outcome and breathe a sigh of relief when it comes.
Are you a control freak when it comes to your faith? Yep. You are. But it's in your DNA. I've known you all your life and I know it's not going to change. But you keep trying. And that's all God asks of us. And little by little you get better. I know Claire helped you a lot in that area.
Good luck with all the 'annuals'. Thank goodness for medicare and insurance! It's great how just when we hit the fixed income stage, the body starts to disintegrate!!!
Being aware of one's feelings is not all it's cracked up to be. Sometimes I wish I could easily bury my head in the sand, and didn't care about self awareness. The reality is that being aware sometimes brings on angst. Sanity sometimes trumps awareness.
DeleteHowever, I've also been told by those who love me that my "self awareness" is not really that, but is often a cover for negativity. Ones mindset - whether positive or negative - for the most part is something that is nurtured. I guess I do question how much of my need to control is in my DNA, and how much I could "let go" if I committed and chose to do so. It feels so ingrained like it's out of my control to change However, feelings can lie. And - yes - you are correct that a lot of this has come from many discussions with Claire.
Every time I read one of your insightful, thought provoking blog entries, it makes me want to resurrect my blog that I've kind of "left for dead"! But - the reality is that in some instances I am NOT as self aware as you are. I sit down and nothing comes to me. It's too "angsty" and nothing I feel comfortable sharing with the internet world! I think the energy it takes to be fearful and negative thwarts and overwhelms any insights and revelations which -- if I had access to them -- would be the subject matter. I read you and realize that much of what you write brings "ah ha" moments for me. I want to write - but nothing flows, and what flows seems to be negative material that is not blog worthy. In other words - insightful writing is going to require that I get a handle on some of this negativity and fear.
Then keep taking pictures because you take wonderful photos and they are always about beauty. They are never negative. That's where you show your love of the world around you.
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